You gots to choose your weapons.

So. An experiment in embiggening. I don't have the time to spend hours each night in the dubious-yet-time-honored practive called "jilqing" (you might know if better as "flaccid jacking"), and the stretcher devices I've seen look like they should come in a set with a diabolical costume. Pills it is, then! After all, eighty-five-bazillion spam email to my account alone can't be wrong, right?

But which brand? I only knew one thing: it definitely wouldn't be MaxGain, the brand almost exclusively touted by spammers. Wasn't going to give these guys a reward for annoying me and crudding up Teh Intartubes, even if leaves me mistaken for a kaber tosser. So where's a guy going to go for reputable, reliable not-quite-pharmaceutical supplements?

eBay, of course.

There are plentiful brands of enhancement/enlargement/enKingKongment pills all over eBay, with names like Magna RX+ and Extenze and Extendaquin and Erexin-V and Duramax and SizePro. Despite the creativity put into their names, and the widely varying prices that seem mostly to rely on what the dealer thinks he can swindle poor suckers for, the ingredients pretty much seem to overlap -- yohimbe, damiana leaf, bilberry, and other green leafies. (Does this mean that two capsules count as a serving of vegetables?) They all imitate each others' sales pitches, they go to great lengths (ha!) to explain the inner workings of penile anatomy ("You mean there really isn't a bone in there?") and of course they tout their various blends as "100% natural," as if that somehow meant "safe" or "good for you." Seems to me that poison ivy and stinging nettles are 100% natural, too. As is snake venom.

So, with no way to differentiate the various products except by the copywriting skills of their respective hucksters, I used the only decider open to me: Price! Manhood Max (you gotta admit, that's a great porn name) was available for $9.99 per month's supply, free shipping, so I ordered three bottles. As soon as they arrive, the great experiment begins, the initial stages of which involve finding out if damiana leaf gives me a rash.